The Secrets of Women
by Senorita TacoMal
Summary: Neji finds one of Hinata's *ahem* female valuables, and enlists Kiba and Gaara's help to try to find out what it is. Can the trio solve the mystery without venturing too far into the secrets of women? Oneshot.


Hey you guys! I apologize for cranking out new stories when I haven't updated my old ones in forever! I've been quite buys with college apps and school (we all know that's my total bs excuse, and I'm actually too lazy to write more, and too lazy to do my apps, but I will do both. In the meantime, I need to procrastinate, so I took the time to look through my mountains of unfinished Naruto stories from the past 3 years (I have somewhere between 20 and 40) and I found this one nearly done, so I put the finishing touches on it and now it's here. I will work on updates from Maturity, Tsukasa is Pregnant, and... whatever I named that iCarly one after I get my apps in (yup, motivation is key.) So long as I don't have another research paper to do. Oh, speaking of that, I have four mini projects, several writing assignments, 9 dual entry journals, and math homework to do, as well as going to feed my neighbor's dogs. Yeah, that might be a good thing to go do. At least my research paper is in limbo, so I don't have to worry about that right now! How did I make A/B honor roll again?

I don't own Naruto. But I own the work packet I have to do. And my math homework. But not the dogs. And I'm soon to have a car! Which I also won't own. But I will be able to drive it about and call it my own! ^.^

Enjoy in moderation!

* * *

The chaos started when Hinata dropped one of the valuable secrets of the woman race.

Hyuuga Hinata had had every possible delay that morning, making her somewhere around 2 hours late for her mission with Shikamaru, Ino, and Sasuke. It was that time of month, and she hadn't worn any protection to bed, so she had to strip the bed, she didn't have any clean underwear, so she had to wash and dry some, someone used up all the hot water, they were out of her favorite cereal, she didn't have enough time to completely dry the underwear, so they were still damp, her toothbrush battery was dead, her washcloth fell in the toilet right as she flushed and made it overflow, and on top of all that, it was that time of month, and she couldn't find ANY of her pads.

"Ohhhhhhhh, this is just GREAT!" Hinata yelled. She rooted through her things frantically. "I don't have time for this!" she groaned, grabbing a fistful of tampons and tossing them into her bag. She grabbed another one, and –Censored for the sanity of our male readers ^.^ or lack thereof, now-.

She quickly washed her hands, grabbed her bag, and ran out the door, almost running into Neji again, who had the day off. As she swerved to avoid him, a couple of the tampons fell out of her bag.

"Gomen, Neji-kun!!! Running seriously late here!" she yelled behind her.

Neji simply stood there and blinked, watching her disappear around the corner, hearing the yelp of his little cousin, who wasn't as lucky as he had been. He shrugged, and continued walking. Suddenly, he kicked something. He looked down to see two pink and green wrappers, which he picked up and examined. He carefully sniffed them to make sure they weren't explosive, then opened one.

Inside was this smooth plastic thing with a rounded tip and a stick and string sticking out of it. He held onto the bulb while he used his flat palm to push the stick. A white thing, slightly smaller, but the same shape as the plastic bulb came out of it. Neji pulled out the white thing. The string was attached to it.

Neji's first thought:

"Is this some kind of Molotov Cocktail? I really need to get up-to-date on my weapons."

Box of tampons: $3.99

Your slave-cousin examining them and coming to the conclusion they're some kind of weapon: Priceless

"Hm, maybe Tenten can give me some answers on what kind of weapon this is…"

* * *

"Okay, bad idea…" Neji said, walking out of Tenten's house with a huge knot on his head. When Neji showed it to her, she went postal, and whacked him on the head with some very heavy, very blunt object. He couldn't remember what it was.

"Hm… This came out of Hinata's backpack, right? So… all I need to do is find some guy who knows a lot about the kinds of weapons girls have! And what better guy than…

* * *

"Neji?"

"Hi, Kiba. You know a lot about girls, don't you?"

"Not a _lot_ lot, but some things."

"Do they have any different weapons than male shinobi?"

"I'm …pretty sure that's a negative."

"Well, what's this?" Neji asked, holding up the tampon and applicator.

"Oh, that thing? My sister has some too. I think they're some kind of bandage, because I've seen one soaked in blood before. She must not use them a lot, because she doesn't run out often. Maybe they're loaded with antibiotics, for serious wounds."

"But Hinata's bag was jammed full of them this morning. She couldn't use that many bandages in one day of training unless… She's training to be a medical ninja in a foreign land!"

"Doubt it. She would've told us if she was."

"Great, now we still have no clue as to what these are!"

"We can always just ask Hana-chama," he suggested.

"NO! I tried asking Tenten, and she went insane."

The two boys tried to think of someone to ask.

"Who else has a sister?" Neji pondered.

"Why not Hanabi-san?" Kiba asked.

"Hanabi-sama turns into the _she-devil_ when you want something from her!" he screeched in a high pitched voice. "She'll make you sign your soul away to her in your own blood in her black book!!!" He began to hyper ventilate, eye twitching as he remembered what happened LAST time he asked Hanabi for a favor.

For his sanity, we won't review the incident.

Kiba sweatdropped. "I think Gaara's in town this week," he said slowly, testing Neji's sanity. "We can go find him and ask him about it."

The two boys began to leave the house, when Neji noticed a disturbance, no, more of an emptiness in the surrounding chakra.

"Aren't you bringing Akamaru?" Neji asked

"Nah, he's sick. Caught a bug that Kuromaru had after a mission. But anyway, let's hurry and find Gaara!"

* * *

"GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME!!!!!" Gaara screeched at the top of his lungs, falling backwards. His gourd turned into sand, cushioning his fall. Neji and Kiba looked at each other, then at the tampons, then at Gaara. Said redhead cleared his throat, and regained his composure. "I don't know what it is. I just know that Temari sent Kamatari-kun after me when I found one of those in her bathroom."

"What are these girls' PROBLEMS!?" Kiba yelled.

"Kiba thinks they're some kind of antibiotic bandaid," Neji said. "Are there any girls who won't punch our heads in if we ask them?"

"Sasuke-kun?" Kiba snickered. "Oh wait, she'd totally bash our heads in."

Neji smirked at Kiba's snide comment. "Funny. Ino and Sakura would probably tell us, but Ino's on a mission, and Sakura's at the hospital."

(A/N: Note how they completely miss the perfect opportunity to find out what they are. If they were bandages, they'd have some there. Boys…)

"We could ask Shikamaru-san," Gaara suggested.

"He's on the mission too," Neji grumbled.

"There's only one girl left to ask…" Kiba said darkly.

"No… we can't do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Neji screeched, his voice going all high-pitched again.

* * *

"So you're coming to me now, _crawling _on your knees," Hanabi said in an Italian accent. She was sitting in a big swivel chair, her back turned to the three boys kneeling before it.

"Told you," Neji whispered to Kiba. "She's so good she makes the _Yakuza _cry to their mommies…"

"Did I _say_ you could talk…Neji? Doing things without my permission makes me really sad… and you don't want to hurt my feelings, do you?"

"Look, Hanabi, all we want is some iden-" Neji started, trying to reason with her

"I said," Hanabi said, swiveling around. She had a stuffed Persian Pokémon in her lap, which she stroked gently. "Did I say you could speak?"

"Hanabi-san, this is ridic-" Gaara said, getting angry. That is, until Hanabi gave him a glare that made his look like a fluffy baby chick. Gaara tried to glare back, but Hanabi promptly transformed him into a fluffy baby chick. Small peeps of fear came out of his mouth as he ran over to Neji, using his talons to climb into his lap.

"Awww, he thinks you're his mommy," Hanabi said sweetly. Her voice then turned sour. "Now, did I say you could speak?"

Neji sighed. "No, Hanabi…"

"Hanabi… Hanabi…" she said, rubbing her chin. "I know no Hanabi."

Neji sighed louder, tightening her hands into fists. "I mean, no, _Nazukeoya_…"

Kiba snickered. "Nazukeoya… you really call her Godfather…"

"That's Godmother to you, Kiba," Hanabi said, glaring. "I have no problems turning you into something equally fluffy."

Kiba yelped and shut up again.

"Now, what is it you request help with, dear cousin?"

"We just want to know what _these _are," Neji said, holding the tampons up.

"Aah. It's a very simple answer, is it not?" she said, nodding. "Before I deliver the answers, you must do something for me…"

"Name your price…" Kiba said, glaring at her. Hanabi promptly turned him into a fluffy baby bunny, who hopped onto Neji's lap, nearly crushing Gaara. Muffled peeps came from under Kiba's new fluffeh body.

"You must… skip around town wearing pink dresses, throwing pretty pank flower petals everywhere!!! And shave your legs while you're at it!"

"NOOOOOOOO!!!!! I WON'T WEAR A DRESS AGAIN!!!!!" Neji screamed, his mind flashing back to when the apocalypse genjutsu had been cast over Konoha. (A/N: Yeah… I've been lazy with that fanfic and haven't finished it yet…)

"Does that include you returning Gaara and Kiba to human beings?"

"Mmm, no. Doing that would require you to sing the Barney song at the top of your lungs."

"NANI????? Okay, it was already too much at the streaking and the pink-"

"_Pank_"

Neji sighed. "_Pank _flower petals, but definitely not the singing!!!"

"Fine. I will restore your friends for free," she said, restoring Kiba and Gaara to normal. Kiba's eye was twitching and Gaara was gasping for air.

"WHY THE HELL DID YOU LAND WITH YOUR NUTS ON MY FACE!?!?!?" Gaara roared.

"WELL WHY DIDN'T YOU MOVE OR BITE ME!?" Kiba retorted.

"I DON'T WANT TO BITE YOUR-"

"SHUT UP!!!" Neji yelled. "Forget the whole thing, Nazuke-nabi!"

"I give you a parting gift, and this is how you treat The Nazukeoya?" Hanabi said, sighing.

"We're out," Neji grunted, dragging the arguing Gaara and Kiba toward the door.

"Fine, but you shall come crawling back to me," she replied maliciously. "They always come crawling back."

* * *

"Kiba, why are you so late?" Tsume asked once he arrived home.

"I had some business to take care of," he said tiredly, waving her off. "'Night, mom."

"Goodnight, Kiba."

He went up to his room and tiredly threw his clothes on the floor, replacing them with a baggy t-shirt and blue flannel pants. He circled around in the bed two times before settling down and dozing off…

Suddenly, he felt himself roughly being shaken awake. He opened his tired eyes slowly.

"Whasit, Hana…? I'm trying to sleep. He tried to turn his body over to ignore his sister, but he couldn't move. It was then that he realized that his arms and legs were tied down.

"Hana, what the hell…?"

His sister smiled maliciously, then took a rag and put it over Kiba's mouth.

* * *

"What is… are you trying to _drug_ me!?" he said as he slowly drifted off to a drugged sleep.

Kiba was the last one to wake up.

They were in a dark chamber somewhere unknown to Kiba. A spotlight was trained on them just like he had seen in so many movies. He turned his head to look at Neji, then at Gaara, both struggling to get out of their handcuff and duct tape bondage.

There was ominous laughter from not too far away. A familiar voice then spoke.

"There's no way you're getting out of those chairs, boys." It was the voice of Temari, and her figure soon appeared in front of the boys.

"You've gone into waters over your head." Hana appeared to Temari's right.

"There's no turning back now." That was probably the most unbelievably ominous thing Hinata had ever said, but nevertheless, she stood there next to Hana.

"Why are you doing this?" Neji demanded.

"Because," Tenten answered coldly, coming out of the darkness to stand next to Hinata, "you guys have gone too far into trying to discover the secrets of woman-kind. It's not a path that should be traveled by men." The four girls pulled kunai from their pouches. "And for this, you must die."

"Uh, guys, can we scream like little girls now?" Kiba asked rather stoically for the question.

"Not yet." _'If I can just…' _Gaara thought, try as hard as he could to summon his gourd. He needed some sand, no, by this point, he'd be content just having his old _teddy _with him to make him feel safe.

Gaara could finally feel some sand coming off of his body. "Don't worry, I've got it." He had managed to summon a decent-sized amount of sand and attacked Hana with it while trying to crush the locks and reduce the duct tape to ribbons. Kiba's eyes went blank and he screamed. "WHY MY _SISTER_ FIRST!?"

"Sabaku Kyuu!"

Hana was completely unphased, not to mention unharmed. "You can't hurt us in our own dojo," she explained, the smirk of death on her face.

The girls slowly came towards them, kunai in hand.

"Gaara?"

"…Yes."

Shrieks and the sound of metal against flesh and blood filled the air.

* * *

He woke up screaming.

In about 4 seconds flat, Hana was in his room, glowering. "Could you keep it down?" she muttered. "I have animals trying to recuperate in here, including Akamaru."

It was obviously daylight outside. Rays of sunshine peered through the curtains, then were momentarily blocked by a cloud.

"S-sis?"

"Mmmm?"

"Would you ever kill me i-"

"Oh, here we go, what did you do this time!?"

"Let me finish! Would you ever kill me if I… explored too deeply into the secrets of women-kind?"

"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…? No, I guess?"

"Okay, good."

"I would ask you more about this, but I have dying animals to save, toodles!"

Kiba brought his fists down on the bed. "We have to give into Hanabi's wishes before this drives us all insane!"

* * *

"Ah, so you seek help from The Nazukeoya once again, I see?" Hanabi said, still speaking in her faux Italian accent.

"Do you have to make us wait for you to find your stupid stuffed kitty every time!?" Neji screamed. "You'd think you'd keep it out seeing as you use it so much!"

"Perhaps you do not want your second chance?" she said rubbing her chin.

"We want it, Nazukeoya!!!!!" Kiba said, easily breaking down. "Please, before the girls plan and organize our executions!!!"

"The cost for the information has changed," Hanabi said. "For wasting my time the first time, you now have to sing the Barney song also."

"Ohhhhh," Neji moaned, "no way!!!"

"Hmmm," Hanabi said, staring off into space. "Perhaps I should tell your sisters, cousins, and teammates of our exploits here…"

"NO!!!" the three yelled.

"Fine, we'll do it!" Gaara growled. "But we won't like it!"

* * *

"I HATE THIS!!!" Gaara yelled as he released a handful of flower petals.

"WHY DO I ALWAYS END UP WEARING THE PRETTY PINK DRESS!?" Neji screamed. "I mean, it's not fair. Even last time at least Sasuke got the light blue dress!

"I don't know, it actually feels kinda good…" Kiba said. The other two stopped and stared at him.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Gaara said slowly, shaking his head.

"I was KIDDING!" Kiba yelled, pulling at his hair. "THIS SUCKS!!!"

People giggled as the trio pranced by in their short denim overall dresses, Kiba's beige, Neji's pink, and Gaara's red. They all wore white stockings and tight white long-sleeve shirts, along with patent-leather shoes that matched their dresses. Completely leaving their reputations and status behind, they finally reached their goal, the forest where they planned to meet up with Hanabi.

"Aaah, I see you have done well," she said, coming out from behind a tree, suddenly snapping a picture with her digital camera.

"Just give us the stupid answer…" Gaara muttered.

"Fine. As you wish," Hanabi said. She slipped Gaara the note, which he promptly opened. Hanabi disappeared in a cloud of smoke. Neji and Kiba peered over his shoulders.

The note read: Look it up on the internet, stoopidz :p They're called tampons

The animals of the forest took off digging, running, and flying as screams of frustration filled the air.

* * *

Neji sat in the seat of the chair while Kiba sat on the left arm, Gaara on the right. Surprisingly, none of them had changed out of their dresses. They were all looking at Neji's laptop, curious to see what the heck a tampon was.

"Why the hell didn't we think of this???" Kiba groaned.

"Because we're men and men are an inferior race," Gaara said in a high pitched voice, mimicking Temari.

Neji had pulled the page up on Wikipedia. Once it had loaded, they started reading. Their eyes grew wider and wider and their jaws dropped further and further. Once he had had enough, Neji slammed the laptop shut. All the boys were paler than usual, even Gaara and Neji.

"…So you mean to tell me that blood was…" Kiba said, his blood continuing to drain until he was sheet white. "It came from her…"

"Stay strong, man!" Gaara said, his voice also wavering.

Kiba couldn't keep it together. And his cries were soon met by the screams of the other two boys.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Neji-kun! Kiba-kun! Gaara-san, what's wrong?" Hinata said as she burst through the door, taking count of the three boys shivering in mental agony.

"I… think these are yours…" The wide-eyed Neji stood up robotically and handed the remaining tampons to his little sister.

"Are you bleeding from your… lady part right now???" Gaara whispered.

"Why doesn't bleeding for 5 straight days require medical attention?" Kiba muttered vacantly. "Doesn't it hurt?"

"WHY ARE WOMEN SO WEIRD!?!?!?" the three screamed in unison.

"Um… well… um… I have to go do something… that way…" Hinata murmured, backing slowly toward the door, face beet red. On her way out she noticed something on the floor, a small square package with a rubbery-looking ring inside of it.

"Eh? Neji-san, what's this?"

It was Kiba's turn to turn beet red. "Um… you see… That's… it's like a tampon for guys. Except we don't bleed from our…" He winced and shifted his position. "It's called a condom."

"Con…dom…"

Hanabi grinned maliciously from the other side of the door to which her ear was pressed. "Looks like the Nazukeoya is gonna have another job on her shoulders."

* * *

FIN!

And while you guys read that story, I managed to... get absolutely nothing done! Yayyy!!!

Well, I should go feed the dogs. So see y'all!


End file.
